What does it mean to be a “good rope top”, and why it’s not what you think

This article is written in direct opposition to some phrases I hear often in the rope scene:

"They are a good rigger but not for beginners because you need to be very clear about your consent and negotiation"

"X is a great rigger technically but I didn't feel that they had much empathy for me in rope"

Or even

"Y is a great rope top/rope educator if you can ignore their multiple serious consent violations and lack of remorse"

I spent a long time thinking about why the messaging of those comments doesn't feel right to me, and I came to the conclusion that being technically strong is not sufficient to make you good at tying rope on others. Being technically strong is just one element that is necessary to be considered good or even great at topping for rope.

So what makes someone good at doing rope with others as a top? In my opinion there are several more elements to consider and in order to be truly a good rope top I think that you need to have them all in balance. In this writing I will outline outline these key elements and explain my logic behind them

1. Technical skill with rope

This is what most people imagine makes someone a good rope. The ability to apply rope to a person in a skillful way with appropriate tensions so that you can do what you want to do in rope. Whether that be dynamic suspensions, emotional partials, intimate floorwork or whatever your rope heart desires.

Having the technical knowledge to tie rope in the way, and patterns, and shapes you want is fundamental in being a good rope top.

I also think it is worth noting that people with less experience tend to overestimate their and others skill. For the untrained eye, there may not be much discernable skill difference between two suspension sequences. However those with more experience might be able to see some inconsistencies, some difference in efficiency, some tensions that don't hold as well. My point being here that there is no consistent measure of technical skill. 

How we value technical skill can also be altered a lot by the branding of specific rope schools, our own experience and knowledge base, the environment in which we learned rope in terms of education accessibility and quality and so many other elements.

Moreover technical knowledge is not the only thing you need to be good at topping for rope and these other elements are, in my opinion, equally important.

2. Good consent ethics

It is not enough to build a practise of consent that prevents misunderstandings for your own protection. To be a good rope top you need to have good consent ethics, not just good consent practices.

That means not intentionally creating vagaries that you can exploit. It means not intentionally playing with new bottoms so you can misinform them about what is reasonable. It means making sure you balance any existing and undesired power differentials that are not part of the scene, like being older, being more knowledgeable or being in a position of power in the rope scene.

To be a good rope top you need to be ethical.

3. Compassion

To be a good rope top you need to actually care about the best interests of the people you tie. It doesn't need to be abiding love, or even life long friendship but you do need to have compassion for everyone who is in your rope.

This means having empathy for their mental state in your rope. It means having compassion for their bodies and how they are on the day you are tying them (not some preconceived idea of how their body should be to be strong/light/bendy enough for you to be able to do what you want to). And it means having compassion for the things they can't and don't want to do in rope and being receptive to feedback without resistance and ego.

In caring about the person you are tying, and wanting them to come away from the session with a positive experience you can start to ask more about what can you do to make the experience enjoyable for the person you're tying and less about what that scene does for you, your desires or your reputation in the kink community.

To be a good rope top you need to have empathy.

4. Boundaries

Since ”empathy without boundaries is self-destruction", to be a good rope top with compassion, empathy and technical skill you need to have your own boundaries in order to protect your own energy, time and emotional bandwidth.

Overexerting your topping energy with too many scenes, with too many people doesn't honour your own boundaries. Tying when you are exhausted, grouchy or undernourished doesn't honour your own boundaries. Tying while drunk or incapacitated doesn't honour the boundaries you ought to have with your own ethics.

While everyone will have different boundaries around who and when and why they tie, to be a good rope top you need to understand yours and uphold them.

In conclusion, it is my opinion that in order to be a good rope top, you need to have all of these elements. Technical ability to tie without ethics or compassion is dangerous for anyone you interact with. Technical abilty without boundaries is dangerous for yourself. I think that having ethics, compassion and boundaries and not having as much technical skill with rope is a far better starting point to becoming good at topping for rope.

What do you think makes someone good at topping for rope? Did I miss anything out that you think is critical? Share it in the comments if so

Rosa canina